I think we’re getting closer. Jia you!
After graduating college, 22-year old John Ingram doesn’t know what to do with his life. He wants to leave behind his terrible degree, the terrible economy and his broken family, and when he sees an ad seeking English teachers in China, he jumps at the chance.
The ad leads him to Wuhan, his home for the next nine months. Wuhan turns out to be better than he imagined: he makes good money working only twelve hours a week, his students treat him well, even the most banal interactions provide a story to tell, and Michelle, a Chinese graduate student, makes him forget the life he left behind.
Michelle is hesitant to date anyone, especially a foreigner, but John is persistent. A banquet leads to a date, a date leads to a quick kiss on the shores of Wuhan’s South Lake. Michelle is looking for a serious relationship, and John has decided to be with her, even if it means staying in China the rest of his life.
But when another teacher sexually assaults a student, John is fasely accused.
Deportation looming, John must decide whether his life here is worth fighting for or risk returning to the terrible degree, terrible economy and broken family he left behind.
LITTLE RED KING is 120,000 words.
It’s not easy to squeeze over 100,000 words into a query letter. Somehow, it’s harder to get it just write then writing the whole book. Good job on summarizing, introducing the premise, and leaving it off at just the intriguing part so hopefully the recipient wants to read more…
Are you taking general suggestions? Perhaps we don’t need to know John is exactly 22, just a young college graduate suffices. Is it redundant to say terrible degree and terrible economy? Maybe useless degree, and stagnant Western economy? Mention how vibrant China’s growing economy is, perhaps. Some of the adjectives, like terrible, seem to judgmental to me. The situation should be painted terrible, but don’t just say it. Likewise, making ‘good’ money? Maybe say, like, ‘more money than he knows what to do with’?
And since you said John’s full name, perhaps say Michelle’s full name. If she’s Michelle Chan, Michelle Li, or something, it reinforces she’s Chinese and sounds more exotic.
All in all, again I say good job in summing it up. Not an easy task.
Best of luck with the queries!
Thanks for the suggestions, Ray. Good stuff. I have had some advice on a forum, but it’s especially helpful to get feedback from someone else who has lived that life. I’ve yet to send this version out. I’m thinking about including more of John’s conflict with Keith, but if I do that, there’s so much more I could theoretically include, it’s hard to know what to include. I want to get it “right”…yet it feels that no matter what angle I take, the query will never be “right”. Part of the fun, right?