Tag: humor

Never Heard of It

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Today is my birthday, and last night my division had a farewell dinner for someone who’s going to Forecaster School. Nobody wants to hang out with their co-workers outside of work. For me it’s right at the bottom alongside Mandatory Fun with things I want to spend my limited free time doing.

And I mean limited free time. One can be forgiven for thinking that shore duty means you have more time to yourself and what you want to do, but our schedule nixes that idea. Right now we work six days in a row, off three days, on three nights, and off three more days before the cycle starts anew. We went from twelve hour days to six, but the trade-off is that we are there more days a month, and if there is something going on that requires all hands (uniform inspection, for instance), then that’s another day you won’t have. Combine that with any collateral duties (extra duties you aren’t compensated for) that take place on your off-days, the extra work and less manpower, and it’s no wonder some people are dropping chits to return to sea duty six months early.

The dinners themselves can be awkward affairs. Sometimes it depends on the choice of venue. In the Navy, we call the dinner a Hail and Farewell: you hail the new people aboard and say farewell to the people who are leaving. The trouble starts when not everyone shows up — the first three I went two, one guy just didn’t come — and it gets no better when you’re sitting around the table, wishing you were elsewhere. Nothing to talk about except work.

I’ve been to four so far in San Diego, and I’m happy to report this is the least awkward division I’ve ever worked with. For instance, we actually talk to each other. Isn’t it great how sometimes the smallest things can make the biggest difference?

Last night I skipped beer and stuck with water, and I ended up chatting with my co-worker’s son, who is 12.

Co-Worker’s Son: Do you like to play any online games?

Me: Not in a long time. When I was your age, I played this game called Starcraft.

Co-Worker’s Son: Never heard of it.

Oh man. I can’t think of a more appropriate way to ring in my 32nd birthday.

One benefit of joining the Navy: working with kids fresh out of high school means I have to stop bullshitting myself about my youth.

Expressions I Can Live Without

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wow just wow — see also: wow. Just…wow Use the ellipsis when you want to emphasize just how speechless this week’s fashionable outrage has made you.

I can’t even — often combined with wow just wow for a tag-team of shit.

This — used emphatically when sharing links that reinforce your biases. See also: This. Just…THIS. People have an attraction to the word the word ‘just’ followed by an ellipsis.

It is what it is — Good. I was worried it might be something else.

fur mommy/daddy — ultrasounds for dogs? doggie daycare? It seems fur parents and their money are easily parted. Associated term: fur babies. When someone talks about their fur babies, I wonder how many homeless family members they have.

White dude — used in a derogatory way. If you’d like to be completely unoriginal, try using the -bro suffix.

People/Person of color — such a sterile expression. I don’t mind it when used sparingly, but some people feel the need to use it in a Ralph Wiggum-esque repetition, even when an alternative would fit better. See also: PoC. I’ve yet to see POC. They don’t drop ‘of’ completely and use ‘PC’ because ‘PC’ is too well associated with Politically Correct or Personal Computer.

however comma — Know what I like more than however comma? When people pause, to indicate a comma and then say the word comma.

More to come, I’m sure…

Blacklist

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From a literary journal’s submission guidelines:

We do not ever accept unsolicited submissions of art, novels, novellas, novelettes, or anything else longer than 5,000 words. If you submit a novel or anything way over the word count limits, we’ll probably blacklist you.

Okay. Nothing over 5,000 words. Got it. What about content?

There are some things we absolutely do not want. If you send us stories with these, the story will be rejected and you will be blacklisted:

Are you sure?

This isn’t negotiable, so don’t ask. If you need to have these things in your story, find a different market. We really do have a blacklist.

Somehow, I believe you.

So I’m back in China, and…

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Patience is still a required skill.

On the train we entered the car at the back end. We had to get our huge suitcase to the front. We’re going along pretty well, until here comes this guy. His suitcase is smaller than mine, more of a satchel with wheels. We politely ask him to stand aside, but Fuckstick apparently can’t wait the whole three seconds it would take to let us by. He says he can’t and just stands there, waiting for us to haul our suitcase, which is bigger than two of him put together, out of the way, squeezing it between a couple seats.

Patience?

Patience is watching a woman twice your age throw a temper tantrum because she can’t cut you in line for the elevator.

Patience is being woken up at the crack of dawn by a megaphone right outside your window blaring “Mai pingguo you zi!” on infinite repeat.

Patience is arriving at the Hankou train station jet-lagged with four suitcases to find the elevator closed. Patience is listening to the guard tell you it’s closed without explaining why.

Patience is then watching the guard open it for someone else after you’ve hauled your four suitcases up the steps, one at a time.

Patience is dealing with stuff like this on a daily basis. Patience is dealing with it, and not going to jail.

Patience is the difference between making it in China or going fucking insane.